Mike Loves You

The image i have of you is always the truth.

We sat there and talked, sitting on a row of benches. Sure it was all business but she looked so beautiful. The movement of her arms, her lips pressing into each other as she developed words, her eyes wide open excited about the subject. I had a hard time concentrating on what she said. She explains to me in her cute little way the story. I agree and add input, but it really doesnt matter, im just enjoying the sound of her voice, the sound of her laugh, the ideas she spreads.

Suddenly, little by little a group of people start arriving to what was once a beautiful moment to a group thing. They listen as we talk trying to understand what were saying, they arent in on the conversation but they stay and joke around anyways. Too much noise later, we move over to a corner of the benches. Shes sits, her feet floating in the air. I stand right in front of her, easily able to reach out and hold her. Shes talking to me and even though im listening to every word all i can see is an opportunity to kiss her. I look at her eyes, i look at her hair (her crazy golden hair, waving all over the place). In my mind I get nearer and grab her and kiss her, i dont care what happens next.

But there is still the fact that theres people around. We should have been alone. I start to think of what i would actually have done. I dont think i would have done anything. She is unique, ive never met anyone like her. She is all the things i need.

When I dont see her for a long time I try to get over her, I try to find someone who can fill that hole, but I compare every other girl to her. When I see her and I hear her voice I suddenly remember again, and I cant think of anyone else. She is going to be the death of me, its sad to think and sad to know one day she will break my heart. Wether she knows it or not.

You fall ill, and people come visit you worried about how you are feeling.

What if i stop hiding what i feel? What if theres more here than i can see?

I usually try to hide how i feel about anything, i try not  to get mad, i try not to get sad, i try most definately not to get my heart broken. But in doing so i most inevitably cause my own heartbreak.

They are always charmers, and i always fall for the girls who are the most out there. The girl with the most awkward and strange personality. Usually “crazy bitch” is and understatement. Sometimes theyre attainable, and sometimes theyre not. I dont care, i love them. Its not about what i can or cant get but what i need. I dont need anything more than i already have, but i cant allow myself anything more than that. I need love, i need the warm body to hold me, to let me know im ok, im not crazy. I need the kiss on my lips that assure me i am wanted, and even the annoying non stop messaging and calls that only try to demonstrate they need me. In the end all i want is to love.

She is my killer, she is the cold winter night that brings my last breath. I am insecure and scared of rejection. But the worst rejection is to love and not say what you have to say. I move forward then two steps back. Will i ever say anything? Will she?

I am never sure. I have had my shots at love many times, most girls wont like to admit they find me at least passably attractive. There have been my great loves, and then the great losses. I may have been rejected alot but theres always those special moments of pure pleasure. The stolen kiss, the confession of ones love, the pure attraction, the urges of want, and the neediness of the urge. I have had my moments, but when it comes to someone who can mean so much for me, where do i go?

I feel afraid, i feel alone. In the end i can have fun and speak about things to my friends, but when everyone is gone who is going to be beside me? God is the invisible force that answers with silence. To help me he lets me help myself. Thats His Tough Love. But even then you need someone to actually speak, who will she be? Do i know?

I have many flavors, women are all beautiful, i dont always go for the most gorgeous girl in the room, although hard to not be distracted. I always find the one who shares the most interest and i can have the most fun with, why do i need someone serious who will eventually try to create problems. Seriousness and maturity are a disease. If you can be responsible without having to act your age, if society hasnt pressured you (bullied you) into believing maturity is based on words and the actions of serious tones then i say move along. My love is something happy and nothing miserable. Woody Allen was right, were divided between the horrible and the miserable and were lucky to be miserable.

But will she be there? Can you tell me somehting? I feel something but the faint and unapproving mind distances the radio waves of love into my heart. I want to have the taste even if its temporary, i can be happy to know i at least had the opportunity and i took it. What more accomplishment do I need.

Today was not a good day, it started out ok, but ended very badly. The only thing left is to try and feel better watching “superbad” again. It cheers me up to watch and identify myself with anything that has never happened to me jaja.

I felt very affected today because today one of my closest friends coldy asked me never to speak to him again. I dont know about you but when someone close to you says something to you like that it is very depressing.

I spent the day thinking about all the bad things ive done and all the things i might still do, the things i should change about myself, and the things i regret and dont regret. I have changed drastically over the last three years. I started college a shy and quiet boy and grew into a loud, funny yet hyperactive guy. I feel like a douche sometimes even though ive tried to be well intentioned in my actions. I feel frustrated trying to please everyone but its something impossible to do. No one ever trys to please me though.

Its times like this when i really want someone there for me. Someone to talk to, someone who isnt just a friend but my confident. A best friend, someone who will be there for me. A lover, someone who will care for me and needs me as much as i need them. She is out there. I wish it was who i want it to be but life never lets us see what we want just what we need, were always the ones who make the mistake of just getting what we want but not always getting what we need.

very funny article. Best Line, “You will not say, “I’ll call you.” You will not say, “I’ll text you.” And under any circumstances will you NOT say, “I’ll facebook you.” If you say that I will facebook your FACE.” jajaj

(A P O C A L Y P S T I C K: Does anybody date anymore?)

The Top 5 best movies of 2008

1) The Dark Knight:  i saw this movie in theatres like 5 times in the same week, i love it!

2) Tropic Thunder: best line in the film “Im a LEAD FARMER! motherfucker!”

3) The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

4) Gran Torino: I never expected it to be so funny and so sad and at the same time inspiring.

5) Role Models: Goes to show you too much energy drinks make you piss out blue jaja

honorable mention:

- Burn After Reading: the best part is when George Clooney goes psycho in the end and runs away.

- Wall-E: WAAAAALLLL-EEEEE (it gets annoying after a while)

Your singing while waiting to buy something at the store, a man behind you listens to you and to your surprise he is a record producer, and he offers you a record deal. You take it, and fly to l.a. where you meet a backup band and play your music while little by little you become a booming success and are recognized for your talent and your love for music.

A knock on the door, you open the door.  Theres a man with a check for 30 million dollars there just for you. You take it.

Since my unexpected happiness occured I have spent the whole week pretty much happy, its starting to wear off a little bit but its still glowing, just not as bright as tuesday.

The week has been great, im in the best of moods, im having fun, im studying hard and with relentless energy. Nothing can go wrong on a week like this week. Everything went my way. Everything went right! I escaped Murphy and its sadistic law!

When i see things in this mood and perspective, i can see what i usually dont see, and thats the honest truth that everything is really ok.

I have everything to live a happy life, all i want now is someone to love. I cant seem to control this need, this want. I dont want something temporary, i want something real. Its worse when you feel something for someone and they dont feel the same way but you cant get over that person because theyre really unique and original, youve never met anyone who makes you feel this way or understands you. When you see those things you feel like you need to hold on and take a shot or else youll lose that person and be alone forever.

Hopefully, i will find someone who feels the same way. If its who i want it to be, then even better. But ill keep looking for now. :)

Today, for no reason at all, im happy.

Im taking the time to say im happy and trying to get the most out of it, because i dont know how long it will last. As i say this im smiling and laughing at random moments, reflecting the happiness from past times.

Last Night, as i slept in my room, i had a dream that wasnt all that bad. It is actually the first time i had a dream with Yamne in it. I’ve always liked her but its weird i’ve never really dreamt about her.

In my dream, were in an apartment, it is like and old abandoned factory and she is talking to her mother. They are having a nice conversation with a little nagging from her mother but nothing to serious. Later Yamne decides to leave and and takes me along holding my hand for the first time, her mother yells (not angrily) ” so now your holding his hand! your very complicated to understand!”  We leave the apartment and walk around in gravel she whispers me something and it seems like its not something bad but it is’nt great either. She walks away and then its over three months later. Im in the same apartment and i’m outside a balcony. Im with another woman. She looks like Megan Fox for some reason and she looks adorable. She starts talking to me about something she was doing some other day but i’m just staring out at the balcony to the spot where Yamne told me something.  The new girl hugs me, and she says “she’ll come back someday.” But she suddenly starts to kiss me, and for a bit I kiss her too. But i feel sad, so i stop, the new girl gets upset and tells me she’s done trying to get me over the other girl.

Shes left and im alone looking outside towards the spot on the gravel. Suddenly i get a knock on the door, i open the door to see a silhouette of a beautiful girl with short golden hair thats wildly curling at all directions. Everything gets fuzzy. I wake up.

Today i woke up happy. The dream is not real, and normally i would realize this and get sad and depressed. But today i don’t care. I go to school and in class the teacher has chosen 4 stories that were presented to him to choose which 2 we will do as short films for our cinematography class. Im happy today because one of my stories made it to the top 4, and by vote made it to number #3. One of the other stories was by Yamne. Her story will be made into a short film and she will direct it. I feel happy for her almost proud maybe (if thats not weird to feel). I know she doesn’t feel the same way about me but giving me the chance to be her friend and to be so close is enough.

Today i got things done, i finished everything, i dont feel anxious, i dont feel angry, i dont feel sad, i dont feel bored, im completely happy. Everything is fine, im ok today. Today i woke up way too early and haven’t taken a nap, nor have i felt sleepy.

I wish i was in love with someone who loved me back, but today i dont care. Today im happy to be alive and to be free of any problems. Nothing can go wrong on a day like today. Even if it does, it wont or hasnt made me feel less happy.

Today i can say honestly. I Love You.

Today, for no reason at all, im happy.

Love

I am a complicated person trying to live uncomplicated, i am a person who doesnt need so much of anything but what i do need i need alot of.

I  am a person who has alot of love to give, but no one to give it to. I want to find a person who can accept my love but not throw it away. ive had too much heartbreak, so much hurt in my bones. I love you, i dont. I want you, i dont. the conversations that headed never went to a good place.

I get bored easily, and not only do i not want to get hurt, i don’t want to hurt those who do want my love. I can vaguely remember the girls ive fallen for, some were just friends others more, but they’ve all done something to me (be it good or bad) thats caused this fragile and desperate need for affection. Samantha, Nicteha, Jenny, Monica, Brenda, Cristina, Diana, Tamara, Yamne. The list is not long but they have influenced me through the years.

I feel quite sad that i was never satisfied with the girls i ended up with, and i was always curious and dissapointed with the girls who i liked but didnt like me. From then on ive felt very insecure, and it has made me impossible to have a relationship that isnt a friendship with a girl. It might scream out “Loser” but is it really just my fault (as so many people like to tell me)?

All i want is to be with someone i can love and can love me, i have everything else in my life going well, school is good, friends are good, trips are good, parent issues are stable, money is good. But maybe a girlfriend will just wreck my life. i dont know.

Opinions?

Im not always happy, and im not always sad, im not always mad, nor am i always funny. But when im any of these things, i try to never take it out on anyone. I hold it all in, making myself emotionless. When i am in love, no one can tell unless i talk about it because i wear a mask on my face. So no one can tell, so no one knows, so i dont get heartbroken… again…

your an old old man, and you look back at your life and everything that you’ve done, good or bad, everything you’ve ever wanted to do, all the things you didn’t do, and all the things you still want to do, you look back at everything and feel no regrets. Your sitting in your chair, looking out at the sky, its 6 am and the sun is about to rise. you see your wife one last time. you look at the picture of your children, all of whom have moved on to live better life’s, all of whom you hope will not regret anything when their turn is up.

While staring at the morning sun, with a blanket covering you, holding your wifes hand. You smile. You no longer fear death, you dont know when your time will be up but you know that you leave a legacy. For everyone else whose lives you touched a brighter future is and was coming to them.

You shed one last tear, you smile, and you close your eyes. One… Last… Time…

i have several books and dvds, i like to consider myself an intellectual, i study things i find interesting and i try to compare various ideas and sources before having an idea or opinion on something, most people thing im stupid and have no idea what im talking about, mainly because i dont always discuss intellectual things. If i were to always discuss these things wouldnt people feel either intimidated, threatened, or inferior? so i feel that if i were to always babble on about anything i would be insulting other people which is why most of the time i just try to humour myself and others, comedy has many forms and so some people like one form and others another.

In any case i would be willing to be considered pseudo intellectual but im not faking that im smart im faking that im humble. jajaja.

There’s ambient sounds playing in the background, you hear whispers, as you open the door to your house you hear “Surprise!” and a house full of friends and family have made a surprise party, given the fact that your birthday is still 6 months away. Your happy because you have love and respect from all these people…

Im a big believer in true love, i think everyone finds it but not everyone tries hard enough to keep it, partly were all blind. I take my time to know people but i eventually fall for someone who is beautiful and makes me laugh, the eventual way i fall in love with any girl is that person confuses the hell our of me, she makes me laugh, she makes me mad, she makes me perplexed, she makes me want to kiss her and hug her but be shy at the same time.

The worst of it is im very timid, and have always tried to hide my feelings so that i wont get hurt. But even then ive hurt myself. Usually i fit a mold to half the women i know, one half says im a sweet guy and any woman would be lucky to have me (of course all those who say it dont want to be in a relationship with me) and the other half think im a jerk but im cool and that one day someone will love me (are they being honest or are they just trying to set my mind at ease?). Either way i try to keep it simple. Usually when i think of these things, im hung up on a girl.

-Sincerely Mike Loves.

in bed and noon, your lover holds you to keep warm on a cold rainy day. You feel more in love with her in these moments. She seems so bittersweet and for that you kiss her on her neck and her forehead, she tells you she loves you…