Mike Loves You

A long time ago i wrote a song, it was a bout a beautiful girl in a white dress and it was how i loved her. Last Night, i saw my beautiful gorgeous friend yamne, in a white dress. She looked so great, she was smiling and just happy to be alive. Were so close but for a minute i felt nervous just to know she was near. It was nerve wrecking when i got closer to talk to her. It was a great night.

Tonight, we spent the night filming a short film. We had lights, sound, and color. It was a prominsing night, music was great, the people were great, the energy was great. Yamne was great, she looked so different from anyone else, she was high spirited, and very energetic. She looked great and it was nice to share an activity, of course i know that its a major possiblitie that anything will happen but it was still a nice moment.

Ive been trying to meet girls and try to have something more with them but i generally get dissapointed because i cant seem to find anyone so great, i keep comparing things to yamne, and i cant find anyone as interesting or more interesting as Yamne.

I feel i am sick, and a very sad, i feel very alone but its nice to have freinds like carla and yamne. She might not say the best things or the most helpful things but shes adorable nonetheless. Anyways, i dont know im going all emo/ teenager right now, but in reality i probably wont remember writing any of this tommorow morning….

to all the new people who have been visiting my blog recently, sorry i havent updated my blog with anything new written, i have been making a short film and its taken a bit of time, please visit anyways i will be posting interesting things i find but i might not write anything for a while, i will try and update with my segments confessions and fantasiesn but if i cant ill try to add some new fantasies at least. hang on! hold on! dont goooo! noooo!

this weekend ill be playing a gig at “back to school” in balandra. 9:00 ish. my debut singing.

(via blogsecret)

You may have my precious bones…- The Decemberists.

I had the chance to spend the weekend by myself. I had friends over, i went out a while, i used my house as a movie set. I had fun eventually. But it made me reflect alot on what i want in life. Why do i do the things i do? Why do i say the things i do? Why do i change constantly? My whole life ive been going up and down emotionally. One second im happy and another i get bored and angry and then i get sad but i remember something and them im happy again, all in 5 minutes. I would say im bi polar but theres no medical confirmation.

What i can say is something is wrong with me. I can never get the things i want. I can never have the girl i want, i can never have the respect i want, i never get the appreciation i want. One moment im hanging out with friends happy and full of life, another im bored and tired of them and just wish they would leave me alone. Nothing is solid in life. Ive learned that, I havent seen my grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunts, in years. I dont really know anybody well. Theres no one im really close to. Ive tried to get close with people but eventually they leave or betray that trust i had with them, I forgive people alot but they take advantage and dont really try to change. When i do something theyre unforgiving or they never forget.

All i wish i could have is someone i can love, and love me back. The only thing that has been by my side has been God. Thats how i feel. Ive needed someone there for me, someone who wont judge me, criticize me, who wont try to give me their opinion because they think my troubles are not that bad, God has been there. A silent partner, who knows and understands but allows me to resolve these things by myself because He knows im capable of it.

But even then im still lonely, i wish i could kiss someone again, hold someone close, have someone who can tell me everything is ok, and actually understand me. Someone who can be there and accompany me on this crazy journey called life. Someone who loves me because i am who i am. I want someone who i can talk to about anything, my thoughts and ideas wont weird them out and my goals and hobbies arent dumb or boring. Someone who respects me, admires me, someone i can respect and admire. Someone I can say “i love you” to. Someone I can look at and they can look at me, and all we need is each other, because were the only people on earth who isnt a ghost.

I wish that person i loved, loved me back. Wanted me, wants me.

In my romantic life i could say i have had an average amount of things happen. But usually (choose to believe or not) women come to me. Im not implying they were all beautiful. These women were usually nice, normal, girls. Nothing really interesting about them. I might have, out of insecurity, gone along with them but usually nothing serious ever happend.  The sad part has been the rejection. For the most part every girl who i have actually been interested in has turned me down. Some were momentary interests. But then there are those who are everything. Theyre smart, funny, witty, fun, cool, challenging, beautiful. I wanted them, i wanted their love. But i have never had the chance. They never liked me, some of them only saw me as a friend. Others quickly began to avoid me. When will i find that interesting girl who will like me back, at least enough to find out what we could be.

In the present, im waiting. In the present i have eyes for one. Sadly, past experiences tell me theres only one outcome to that. But the future is upredictable. I just hope, one day.

One day…

I am usually the one who causes and also resolves many conflicts.

It makes me sad, i am the pariah. Nobody ever seems to care how anything makes me fell, yet i am blamed for many things. Its always my fault, always my way of being that causes problems. For once i would like someone to own up to there own problems and stop blaming me.

I may have told them what youve done but i wasnt the one who did those things. You may have heard them say i said things, but you never asked me you just blamed me. I try to be nice and for that i lose peoples respect, and i become just a doormat for anyone who wants to wipe their feet.

I dont want to get sucked in to your problems, ive got too many of my own already. Yet why is it i have to help and resolve, and then never given the credit. Its not that i want it, but it gives me credibility in the future, since everyone just uses me to blame. I have done a lot of bad things, and a lot of good things. But no one ever seems to care.

Sure, theres more good days then bad days, and im not always being blamed, but when i am it always becomes a huge deal over something really small, or stupid. Like mentioning something, or criticising someone, or just the fact that i didnt say the right thing at the right moment. I dont want to deal with drama, everything is stupid.

You fall in love with someone and they love you back

Its so sad to think that your so quick to assume, its so sad to know you so well that i should have expected this from you. But anyways, im not going to let you make me feel like crap. I love you and I wont fight with you, you need to learn that you cant believe everything people tell you. if I have said anything ive already said im sorry. Let it go, stop being so angry, i understand, its frustrating but we cant help it. So what if everyone is so damn stupid. I dont care about them, i care about you. I wont fight with you. If you disappear I will be here waiting, I can wait here forever.

Today you were mad at me, and I knew it before I even saw you. Today you said nothing and then you disappeared, the backlash came later and you wrote me saying things you know how to say oh so well. But im not angry at you, and im not giving up. Ill show you how to change but you need to trust me. Believe what youve seen so far and not who youve talked to, have I ever done anything like this before? no i have not. Everything i wanted, i wanted you to be closer to me. But today I felt the cold, You made me feel like crap today, even though i know i did nothing wrong. Tommorow i know your going to want to pick a fight. But ill just stare at you and pretend your calm. I speak from experience, but your still living the dream, so fight. Keep on fighting and youll see soon that its ridiculous. You cant make me feel  guilty. Sorry. I love you too much to ever want to hurt you, to ever want to make you go away. I trust you and your my closest friend. How close am i to you?

Forget anything right now, ill speak to you when your calm and cool, and i mean when your actually calm and cool, not pretending.

Bye, te quiero mucho amiga.

LIFE RAILROAD JUNCTION

Life has a way of always becoming ever changing, always growing and always knowing. I believe we all have a purpose in life. Some of us instinctly follow our purpose, some of us are always looking, some of us find it, some of us dont understand our purpose, some of us love it, some of us think what we do is our purpose, and some of us never find it.

We also define how we meet this purpose by the actions we take, every choice we make takes us to a different destination and each destination has another choice, etc.

Lately, life has handed me alot of work. Yes its stressfull, yes its long and arduous. But this journey will take me on to do a number of things, if i keep at it ill reach a goal and feel great, if i stop and quit i might regret later or end up repeating the whole process al over again. Thankfully im sticking to it.

Its kind of strange though, because when you work on a project with a group effort its always horrible to find your the only one in the group working. Well in my case im one of two. The hours are long and the deadlines arent ever met. This makes things upsetting. If it all works out in the end ill be happy. This is an investment.

BE MY RED SWEATER BABE

I dont usually read magazines (were in the internet golden age, a-duh) but i remember a few years back, i saw a really great picture. I saw a picture from a whole page ad. It was a girl, walking on what seemed like gravel, white skin with rosy cheeks you could tell she was cold, she had beautiful green eyes and had dark brown hair, freckles that made her irresistable. She was wearing some converse, jeans, and a red sweater. I dont know why but she was beautiful.

Yesterday i was traveling through the whole city trying to get numerous errands done, i was thinking of a girl and this picture came into my mind. She seemed perfect, but then again it was only a picture. But the fantasy of the picture seems better than the fantasy of loving a girl who will never love me back. She might one day but will it ever really last? With the way people my age act, the word “mature” is an abused term.

I know there are some 21 year olds who might be mature (if that word really means anything) but its rare cases. No one can say they are mature for the simple fact that everyones meaning is set on different contexts. For some its responsablities, for others its how they act in a relationship, others its a matter of seriousness, and for others (like me) it is simply the ability to not take matters to seriously, because lets face it, life is too short to get mad or get stressed about anything (which would then make me immature because i get stressed often OH! the irony!).

Back to what i was writing before, I wish life could be as perfect as that page ad, that beautiful girl. Life would be full of beautiful people, with the latest trendy clothes, everyone seems to be wearing make up and im the odd man out. So even in my fantasies nothing is perfect. Well, that red sweater girl was beautiful anyways. All i can say is i wish that my friend knew how beautiful i think she is, She is a red sweater babe. She has a red sweater actually. Shes a red sweater babe.

“Forgive”

take me, take my hand

reach me, reach for me

ive been here by your side

this conversation trembles

because I know you know

youve known what i’ve done

im sorry

you need somebody by your side

i’ve always been around

but now im too close

i wish you needed me

forgive me

“Untitled”

Your eyes are like animals, feasting on the deisgn.

Sweet and Singular, your one of a kind.

80 years old and still unconscious

reliving your youth but your still unconscious.

The sun was bright, its not even mid day yet. The sky is clear and dry, maybe a cloud around there but I cant see it. The roof of the car, old and decayed, has 70’s flower decals green and light green over an off white background. The doors are all damaged, you have to get out from the front. The old volkswagen van is old, but reliant, its still got a heart and soul.

Were driving to pick some copies up. The wind is grazing the old and crusty windows. We put an ashtray on the window to keep it open so air can come in, the heat has become too much. The driver is mumbling and looking in every direction, constantly changing gears 1-2-3-4-5. Shes next to him with her feet on the dashboard, wearing black wayfarers. Her window is closed she doesnt want to ruin her hair, she rests her head like shes asleep but shes very much awake. The wind slightly moving, twitching her hair. Her hair is too crazy to contain, the sides are all over the place they fit her personality.

I close my eyes, concidentally im also wearing wayfarers. white. I remember the rest of the week, i imagine the next few days. Shes beautiful, she is unique. I get angry when someone doesnt appreciate what a wonderful person she really is. She has an undying positive and strong spirit. Shes completely independant, even though she tries not to be. She is to loud and direct with people, but then shes quiet and shy. “weird fishes.”

Shes spent the week relying on me. Shes spent the week relying only on herself. Shes spent the week needing me. I was needed. I know all I need is her. Ive waited in the wings. She moves like shes in charge of the world, but she only wants peace. Her hair moves with ease as she takes every step. The color of her eyes remind you of warmth, I used to get nervous looking at her eyes. Now I have to control myself because i fear ill kiss her. I wish the best would happen. Ive wished the best would happen.

She could be with me, we could be good for each other, she is my best friend. I wish she would stop saying she understands me, don’t you know that each time you say that I fall for you even more. I didnt understand the song “House of Cards” until recently. You need to risk it all. (although you could interpret it as running of with someones wife its really just about risking it all). Ive forgotten about my house of cards, ive been swept under, but if you cant then where will I go?

I was in denial, I wanted to forget her. I tried, I looked! You’ve become my foundation. I cant like anyone because I compare them all to you.

The night before, i preformed the part of a theif, two others were interpreting other characters. She laughs and she comes close. Closer. Ive noticed the difference but has she? Ive noticed the way shes been around me. Will she deny this thing? The thing between us. Maybe its just me, its in my head, I see what I want to see. But ive noticed the changes. You smile more, you come closer, you are more personal, were close now. Last year you laughed more with me, now you can display more emotions with me.

I recall a moment from last year, when you were around, you complimented me, you said i looked thin. You said you didnt like me. There was other people around. You only spoke to me.

You say you dont, but everyone else sees things differently. I feel it, Im feeling it. Im here, I want to be your constant, your my constant.

Shes there in the car, her feet on the dashboard. Im wearing white wayfarers. I see her. I remember, I look back, I imagine. I’ve never met anyone like you. But in the end just because i feel it doesnt mean its there, sadly…

Your at the supermarket and your next in line. Suddenly you sneeze on the guy in front of you. Coincidentally the guy in front is a scientist. He wipes his face with a kleenex but oddly keeps the kleenex and takes it back to his lab, upon further research he discovers your saliva has the cure for cancer, stupidity, and world hunger.

Have you ever had a problem that just wont go away? have you ever tried to confront the problem (in my case a person) but like a parasite they just keep on trying to suck the life out of you? I have had the misfortune of having such a problem. Its not very problematic in a way because ive chosen to ignore it and today i wasnt particularly fed up or anything i was just bored so i confronted the situation.

Now i know out there, theres people who dont like me. Probably some of them hate me, no one can like everyone. I feel that about 5% of the people who hate me pretty much have good reason but the other 95% are just full of bollocks! One person in particular does not seem to hate me, much rather he’s obsessed with me. He has spent much of the last 3 years trying to destroy any part of my life (unsuccesfully) that he can. The majority of the times its just typical bully stuff (cyberbullying) but i find it rather immature and pathetic.

Anyways, i was bored today so I decided to confront the guy, seeing as just last week i was at a baby shower for one of my university teachers and there he was paying an homage to one of his teachers. So we take a photo and coincidentally his partner in crime takes it. So long story short the picture is posted on facebook with my face all garbled up and censored like if I were somewhat obsecene. To me it was funny so i decided to congratulate them. The comments quickly started to grow as this obsessed creep decided to try and agitate me by insulting me with any thing in his verbal arsenal. Well being the calm person I am I just wrote a 3 comment letter just saying a few word about how sad and immature he was and that it was very regrettable the fact that i once called him “friend.”

I guess ill have to spend the rest of my week watching my back seeing as he lives in my neighborhood and goes to my school. Hopefully he’ll be dumb enough to attack me in school and get himself expelled. Prior to this little bout, i never really payed attention to any of his weird schemes. But youve got to draw the line somewhere. I mean, 3 years! if thats not obsessed i dont know what is.

If you ever have a problem like this, i dont think fighting with that person is the best step. Fighting causes more fighting and unless your Tyler Durden, at some point your both going to lose. (spoiler: although he did lose in the end but he wasnt really there to begin with.). Try to confront the person in a calm and reasonable manner. If this person is immature and somewhat dim he will most likely try to be agressive physically and will use crude language to try and either hurt you or just get you angry. Try to resist any urge to be like him. If you have to use fist over words let it be you the last thing you need to do. When you do decide to be agressive “FUCKING GO CRAZY!” (jajaja just kidding youll most likely be arrested unless you live where i do and you pay off the cops).

End.